why is it that the people who are supposedly my best friends cannot even see that i have only good intentions? I'm not trying to be better or worse or anything, i'm just trying to enjoy every moment of this life.

i fucking hate.... just about everyone.

but i think that i am going to go get drunk and party with them this weekend. i haven't in a while. maybe that'll make things better. haha. i do miss all of my friends. i guess i mostly am just kind of angry at dan. he's sucha fucker. and a user. and toothless. and it pisses me fucking off. i miss him too though.

....... fuck people. especially daniel. fuck him.

so... I got a Scion today!

I LOVE IT!

i love zesty sauce.
it's the best condiment in the whole wide world.
(((then ketchup)))

....

ps. beau hasn't called me again yet. & It's pissing me off.
I wish that I could figure him. & me and him out.
I have a feeling that the whole me and him thing is kinda out though.
I'm a bit sick of this shit.
It only took me 3.5 years.
I'm so stupid.

WHAT A LAZY SUNDAY!
i love it though.
even though all that i have done all day was lay around watching tv and being online, i still got a few things done. just done very slowly over the course of the whole day.

Now I have to make a trip to Concord with Joshua so that I can make some money $$$ this week. Imagangstaa.

Can I just say that I LOVE BRAVO TV! I watch Bravo, National Geographic and Discovery Channel. Probably in that same order too. Random I know, But. I just love all of Bravo's shows. They're amazing.

Why doesn't anyone use LJ anymore? Stupid myspace. Not that I don't use it either but... geeezzz. I'm trying to get my sister Sarah Lynne to join the LJ kids.

I got this GIANT sliver in my foot today from my grandparents old deck. I thought that I got the whole thing out because it came out really easily because it was so huge but I just realized a little while ago that it still hurts so bad bc there's a tiny piece still in my foot, but like way in there. I don't know what to do about it. It fucking hurts though!

xoxoxoxx.

I'm so sick of having all these fillers in my life.
I have filler friends, filler conversations, filler tasks. All these stupid things that don't even matter. Why the FUCK do we even consciously do these things?
I just want to find some people who are REAL. And not full of dumbass fillers. I'm cleaning house. Fuck all the people who can't hold their own.

I want to meet someone interesting. ... And in a good way. I know plenty of interesting fucking idiots.

Whoaaa. It's been a while since I updated this LJ of mine. I have a working computer and internet now though so it will probably be done a hell of a lot more. Especially because I have no life...

Why are guys so fucked ?
Maybe it's just the ones that I find myself with.
I'm so sick of being fucked with.
Beau is sucha fucker. SUCHA FUCKER. He was so mean to me last night. I think its because we've hung out like 3 times this month. lol. Even though that sounds ridiculous becuase 3x really isn't a lot at all. BUT. Everything is different with Beau. Usually we hang out like 3 times in 3 months and everything is good. I don't know why that is becuase its all him... It's like he puts up this wall or something, a bubble. He is such a miserable fuck. I really really honestly don't have any fucking clue why I still hang out with him. I guess becuase when he's in a good mood everything is great and we have an awesome time together. But then there are those nights (which are the majority) that he's in a bad mood. Fucking angry at the world and too scared to even believe for a minute that he's having a good time or is happy.
He's so stuck on his exgf. I mean I understand becuase they were together for a really long time but he's still soooo fucking stuck there.
He was so mean to me last night. I don't even want to even write it bc I'm sick of it going through my head. It gives me a woozy feeling in my stomach when I think about it. He's just so crazy. ... & he says that I'M the crazy one. YEAH.
I wish that I could say that I could just be done with him. Being friends or anything more than that. But I doubt that will happen. I'm probably going to see when he calls me. He actually already has called twice today. Once this morning when I got up and left, He was pissed that I didn't say bye to him. lol. Whata stupid fuck. WHY would I say bye to someone who made me feel like shit? Then he called later when he found the little note that I left him saying how his friend who he's fighting with is right, he IS A PRICK when he DRINKS.

I really am like... DONE with drinking. At least drinking liquor. I have felt like shit all day. I would so much rather have a day feeling normal than a night getting drunk. It's so strange how much things have been changing in my head lately. I can feel myself growing up. & I like it.

FUCK I have to be awake in 6.5 hrs to go to fucking work all day. I'm having a shitty week, I only have 7 for the week, I usually have like 10. errr.

I don't want to go to sleep and I don't want to go to work. I wish that I could call out.... I do love my job for the most part. My boss is just sucha fucking WHORE. I really do like everyone but I fucking hate her. HATE HER.

work is... work.
i'm not as enthusiastic about it as in my last entry.
but its good i guess. pays the bills.

I'm outta here soon... It's almost too close for comfort. I think that everything is going to be good, I'm doing really good at making sure that I have everything in place. I'm calling daycares tomorrow to get more info and narrow my search. I'm applying for apartments and start an LNA course May 8th here in NH. I'm just scared. Of being so freaking alone. I mean when I applied there, it sounded like heaven because I was going through a stage where I didn't want to talk to anyone or know anyone that I know here. I mean I still feel like I need to be moving on from this place and this life but it feels harder everyday to think about that fact that in 3 months (tops) I'll be gone. Gone from my family, friends, job, everything I've known for the last 20 years.

I think its ok though. I'm pretty sure that this is supposed to be a terrifying experience.

My birthday is next Saturday! I think Katelin and I are going to Canada. I hope that we do because the more I think about it, the more fun that it sounds. Just me and my BFF partying in another country. Sounds like a good time to me. I've gotta figure out my babysitting situation and see if it'll work out in the end. Hopeuflly we dont drive all the way up there this year and then get rejected like last year. fuckers.

I haven't had weed in so long. Thank god for KAKA!

Aurora is becoming a little monster. This also terrifies me.

I am THE Mortgage Specialist!

lol. I'm so proud of myself for being a good telemarketer.
Hey for $13 an hour plus commission up to $60 for every closing, I'll do anything they want me to do!

I was pretty nervous at first but now I'm fucking rocking this shit. My boss keeps telling me how good I'm doing, one of the other boss ladies told me on Saturday that I'm "doing fucking awesome". The people (for the most part) are chill. There are two girls who I really like, they live together in Nashua and they invited me to go hang out with them some night. That'd be awesome especially since they're always talking about all these musician boys who hang out with them all of the time. I really really like it and I'm so glad that it worked out because once I finally get a fucking full paycheck I'll be RICH! Well... at least until its in my bank account and then it will be shipped off across the country to all the places that I owe money to. FUCK BILLS!!! Seriously.

So this week I am absolutely obsessed with Evanencense's new song. It's strange becuase all of the music that I usually don't like at all has really been appealing to me lately. Like I really like Hinder's and Stone Sour's new songs too. I'm usually just not a fan of that 'genre'. I don't know if the music is getting better or if my taste in music is just changing. Dunno but this song, "Call Me When You're Sober" is amazing and I dedicate it to my teddy bear Beau. I decided that's what he is to me. My brother's wife Ashley helped me figure this out bc she was telling me about her 'teddy bear' in Florida who she always 'hung out' with in between guys but they were just good friends. He's such a fuck though. I wish I could stop thinking about him... no matter what he is to me. fucker.

Speaking of fuckers, Timothy has been emailing me back lately and last night I got an email from him that was actually CIVIL and kind of NICE in a STRANGE way. I don't know man. I don't really know what to think about it. I'm glad he wasn't mean though. I am thinking of it as the first step towards having some kind of distant contact. I mean there's no fucking way that I would ever want him to be a big part of mine or Aurora's lives but the girl needs a daddy.

I wanna go out this weekend. I really wasn't feeling it this past weekend. I think that's going to happen more and more often now though since I'm working so much that just being able to stay at home for a whole day will be like a night out. God I'm getting old. I've got a bottle of Bacardi at Mike and Tony's though so I'm ready to finish that shit off Saturday hopefully. I hope that none of them are mad at me bc I let a few people know some things that they needed to know that they were all hiding away. Whatever. They can't hate me forever. Especially for doing what they all know is the right thing to do. They love me.

It's mother fucking cold in here. I ran outta propane and I can't start a fire to save my fucking life. I've got a space heater going in the bedroom though so at least it's warm in there.

Atmosphere is pimp. I love you for introducing me to him Katelin. Well at least his music I mean. Shit man! I wanna see GFE again soon soonn sooooon. I'm going right now to see if they're coming around anytime soon. Cross your fingers bitch!!!

peace&love

avon is fucked.

i really want to go out this weekend. especially bc shaw shady wants to come hang out in deerfield and he's cool shit. plus i miss my homies. i haven't been out in like 3 or 4 weeks.

i fucking hate my job. my boss (the owner) is such an asshole. i'm going to apply at irving in a minute, since you do it online.

i'm going to do an lna course.... somehow. my mom said that she would babysit, i just need to figure out where i'm going to do it and how i'm going to get back and forth. i'll figure out a way becuase this is pretty much the only way that i can think that i'm going to be able to make it in north carolina.

i'm so effing excited still. it still doesn't seem real. i've never lived out of deerfield.

aurora's whining. peace out.

seriously man. i'm fucking so pissed at beau.
i talked to him yesterday and he said he got out of work at 5 and would be here between 6 and 7. his phone has been off and he never came.

WHAT THE FUCK!??!?

i don't get it. boys are a mystery to me.

i was really excited to hang out with him. he seemed excited too. i got myself all prettied up for nothing. to fucking sit on my ass and complain to the computer about my boy problems.

ahhhh!

i'm sick of being alone. i need to find a boyfriend.
i especially want one just to rub it in beau's face. fucker.

So me and Beau have a date on Tuesday.
I don't know if I should really call it a date.

You would think that after the 3 years that I've 'been' with him that I would smarten the fuck up. I just can't help it. I mean it would be wonderful if he decided to just actually really BE with me but I don't think that either of us would be able to stand eachother if we saw eachother too much more than we do... which is usually every month or two. The passion would fade quickly. I like having him in the background, someone that I know that I can always go to if I need someone to hang out with or talk to or to have sex with. lol. I just feel like such a bad person sometimes since... he has a girlfriend. But those two are fucked up and shouldn't be together. Not that it's my place to make that decision... they're stuck, too comfortable to not be together. Kinda the same as Amanda and Mike's relationship except way more fucked up, if that's possible. I guess the only way that I can make it sound better is by saying that usually when I hang out with him, him and Raven aren't together because they break up just about every few months. Sometimes it does suck being the other girl though. Like... I'm his second choice.

He made me really happy though yesterday when I called him. I never ever call him, I usually just expect his call every so often but I was feeling like shit last night because of all of my money troubles so I decided to give it a chance and if his girlfriend picked up then I would just pretend I had the wrong number or something. But he picked up and seemed really happy to hear from me. He said that I put a smile on his face, which put a smile on my face. He also said that (SURPRISE!) him and Raven are 'pretty much' broken up. ha. fucker. He couldn't hang out last night but we're supposed to hang out on Tuesday, maybe Monday. I can't wait, I miss him we haven't hung out since the summer. I haven't even talked to him since the beginning of October. But anyway... we talked for a few minutes and he kept telling me how happy he was to hear from me and I told him about school and he said he's going to come visit (I hope so but I doubt it). Then he called me back when he got out of work, which really surprised me. It made me feel good though to know that I at least have some kind of place in his life.

I don't know maybe I'm just all fucked up. I need another guy to give me some advice.

Anywhooo.... I can't wait till Tuesday!! hahahaa.

i think that i have to start going for older guys. ones who don't mind kids and ones who aren't all about just sex.

sometimes i get scared that i'll be alone forever. especially because i always feel like anyone new that i meet, i am boring to death because i have nothing much to talk about other than Aurora. lol. ohhh my goddd. i'm like an old lady at 19. i hope that i find a guy and lotsa friends in asheville. i feel like i will but the unknown is a scary place to be.

i've gotta go to bed, its like really late compared to my usual 10-11 max bedtime.

tonight sarah watched aurora and me and katelin went on a burn run. got lost a few times and saw some deer and other animals. we brought her truck down some semi-trailish roads so that was pretty fun. i like a good burnrun. i miss them... just going off for the day to drive around and get high.

today at work i made i think... 4 subs, ate a cherry cola dum dum and read for about 2 hours straight. its so effing boring. ugh.

i really hope that i'm not alone forever. and i'm sure that i won't be but i can definitely see myself just getting way too comfortable being by myself that being with someone else wouldn't even really be a big thing at all. maybe i'm just crazy.

i think i need some sleep. i wish that i had a better paying job. the hours are almost perfect.

gooodnighttt

cheese nips would destroy cheezits in a battle.

i want a boy to hang out with. not even necessarily to be with. just to hang out with. a cool one, that's nice to look at, who i feel comfortable around. i miss my boys. i miss being one of the boys.

i guess the time will come when its right.

its been about the right amount of time that i bet beau will be calling soon. i might call him though and tell him that we have to hang out soon and a lot before i move. even though he's stupid, he's still my homie.

it feels like this time doesn't really matter because my real life starts when i'm in north carolina. i know what timothy was talking about now since he was sitting around in deerfield waiting to move and go to school too. he's a stupid fucker too.

i gotta go to bed soon... It feels like Saturday night for some reason. eh fuck it.

Today, I feel like I'm getting outta here. 

Warren Wilson sends out their letters of acceptance on December 1st. So I should know within 3 weeks. It's really killing me, like this is the rest of my life. In someone else's hands. It's shitty. I wish you could just pick whatever college you wanted to go to and just GO. That'd be much nicer.

I think I'm going to get in, but I might not. It sucks because I don't want to get too excited about it and plan too much and then be disappointed. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get in because it is the only college that I applied for. I want to move out of New Hampshire either way. I think that once I get my license back I'm going to just move somewhere.... I know that it sounds like a bad idea but I mean I can make it happen, I should have enough money. Then I can go from there. I just can't sit down here in my grandparent's basement for any freaking longer watching my life pass me by. I have to take some kind of action. 

My brother Joshua is supposedly moving back up here though. That'll suck if I do move down to North Carolina because I was really excited about him being so close to me. 

I wish that this rain would stopppp. It's been raining for like a week straight. I guess Saturday is going to be 'partly' sunny. But its still only Thursday!

i am hungry. but i don't know what to eat.

i wanted some mother fucking marijuana. but heathtard fucked that all up. 

i kinda want to just go and watch nip/tuck but its already 15 minutes into it and i have 2 more days to watch it since they run it 3x a week. yesssaaa.
i also can't seem to pull myself away from the computer because i spent like an hour trying to sign on so now i feel like i need to make it worth my time. even though i don't really know what to even do online anymore. my computer is fuckked.

so i'm done with reiki. i'm really kinda sad. but kinda not. now i can try and use it to make money $$$ bling bling.
... and of course for the greater good of... everything.

i'm gonna start making some money off of this avon thing... lol i know my last post was telling people to buy it... so hopefully i'll make some $$ that way buttttt ----
i get a demo book with tons of cheap stuff in it.. I can also get discounted sets of different things. If I can sell these things on ebay or lj or something... i could make a lot of money! and i'm not doing much of anything to make any money in any kind of way with avon. its beautiful. i'm excited.... now i just need money to be able to order stuff from avon in the first place. they have an avon credit card, hmmm. :) 

i hope its nice tomorrow, i want to walk down to the dam and smoke some weed and chill out.

poor aurora is cutting teeth really badly. she has 3 coming in but one really coming in. she's been miserable and cranky, which makes it hard for me to do much of anything.

i need to call chadbourn's tomorrow and see if they're considering hiring/or want to hire me. that'd be awesome. i could work there like 2-3 times a week and make money with avon. i think my financial situation is going to be looking up in the near future. i just need to start putting in some actual effort. i dropped off my application to mr. mike's too and i have one for the pizza place too but i don't know about working there... 

I think I'm going to also apply at the lazy lion and irving. actually i'm going to go apply at iriving right now while i'm thinking about it because you have to do it online. 

then i'm going to freaking bedddddd. i'm going to be tired in the am. fuck.

anyone want any AVON? or Mark.?

If so, comment and I can send you a catalog!

I can also do parties, hit me up bitches.



HAHAHA

looks like the country is smartening up and realizing how corrupt the majority of Republicans are. yeah yeah. if you didn't vote.... you can't say shit.